Not as bad as it seems...

For all my complaining, recent and otherwise, it's not as bad as it seems. Yes, I have my ups and downs, but both valleys and mountains have their own kind of beauty and can be appreciated.

I remember moving from the Puget Sound area of Washington (Lynnwood to be exact) to Walla Walla, WA right before I started junior high. I fell asleep before we had cleared Snoqualamie pass and woke up outside of Tri-Cities, WA. The scenery had gone from green, lush, and salty ocean air to brown, dry, and arid. I had a mental freak out and couldn't understand why my parents had moved the family across the state from a seeming Eden-like flourishing green-ness to a barren wasteland. To my young eyes everything around me was dead. I soon came to realize that the farmland around me wasn't lifeless, but had matured and was ready for harvest. The initially perceived "dead plants" were actually fields of wheat. Now I can recognize the lushness of both kinds of scenery. Each is equally beautiful in my eyes and each serves a different purpose.

The same can be said about life. Balance. Yin and Yang. Dichotomies. Binaries. Everything has a counterbalance that is essential to truly understand and appreciate the other. I can't be truly happy without going through and understanding pain. I don't appreciate a good student paper until I read a bad one. Recognizing the beauty of the ocean and a desert only comes when you realize the necessity of the other.

Maybe I've waxed poetic right now...and yes, maybe I'm avoiding grading, but it's all true. I need to have the hard times, moments when I want to give up and quit, pain, confusion, anger, hurt, frustration, and other emotions I have been feeling lately, in order to appreciate the other things. Friends who have encouraged me, family who have lifted my spirits, the kindness of strangers, love from all, and the reassurance from those who are willing to kick the butt of those that hurt me. It's nice to know someone has your back.

So thank you for your comments, encouragement, and love -- vocal or silent. It's felt and appreciated.

Crisis averted, but now it's getting kind of weird.

Let me just start this post off by saying how the only way I remember how to spell weird is that it's spelling is weird. You remember the whole "I before E, except after C" sing-song we learned in elementary school? Yea, weird is the exception. I think it's because of this anomaly that I like the word weird so much.

Alright. And on to other things!

Crisis averted. As you can tell, I did not quit humanity and decided to stick it out...for at least three more weeks until Winter Break. I slept for a whole four hours last night and feel much better. -sigh- That's just sad. At this point I'm just grinning and bearing it.

And this morning I had a lovely little stalker-ish email message that said "Redbox misses you!" Um, stop following my every rental movements. I'm sorry Redbox, but you don't always have all the new releases I want to see so, yes, I go old school and go to a video rental store sometimes. Also, I have Netflix, so sometimes I just watch stuff online or get it mailed to me. And then again, I'm a stressed out student, so I don't have an over abundance of free time on my hands to watch movies. So stop stalking me and get your own life you inanimate, technological object! Stop trying to wield your thing-power over me!

...aaaaaand, I'm back!

I Quit!

Today has been just one of those days where I want to quit.

Quit school. Quit teaching. Quit being nice. Quit the human race and just go live by myself in the middle of nowhere.

If anyone else criticizes me, hurts my feelings, or pisses me off I may just break.

Thank goodness there are only three more weeks of school (two of which I teach) and then the holiday break. I can't handle any more griping, complaining, or erratic and unreasonable behavior.

I've never been a quitter, but I think I'm on the precipice.

I think I need to go to bed and hope tomorrow is better.

Well, THAT was Unexpected

Before I moved away from Walla Walla (okay, it was over a decade ago...wow, I'm getting old!), I was house sitting for a lot of people. I'd live in their house for a week or more, water plants, watch pets if needed, pick up mail and newspapers, etc...And I LOVED it! It's kind of like going to a hotel for awhile because it isn't your place and you sleep in different beds and such. But it's actually better than a hotel because I got paid for doing it.

Really? I mean, you're paying me to not have to live in a house with two younger sisters for a week. Alright!

I hadn't done any real house sitting since (we won't count the 6 months I stayed in the "snowbirds" house while they were in Arizona when I first moved to Lewiston. Yes, it was in the Country Club area, but I paid them rent (basically to cover utilities and such)...so it doesn't really count), so when a friend from Lewiston hooked me up with some friends in Moscow needing someone to house and dog sit for them I was all in. I mean, I've been having issues with a roommate and I knew I was going to have a lot on my plate that week. I met with them twice (with Sage in tow to make sure she got along with the dogs) and everything was great. They cautioned me that they didn't have television, which was FABULOUS for me because I had final papers to draft up and major student papers to grade, so I didn't need the distraction.

So they left on Sunday and on Tuesday afternoon I was in the vet's office with one of the dogs. Um, yeah. That wasn't a fun call to make. They were in New York and I was in Idaho and their nine year old dog was lethargic, not eating, had labored breathing and other health problems. I got in for their earliest open appointment at 3:10pm and two hours later the vet came back and told me the dog died.

WHAT!?!?

Apparently the dog had had cancer and when I brought him (Mickey) in, his organs were shutting down. The owners hadn't known about the cancer so it was completely unexpected. I'm lucky I didn't have to tell the owners about their beloved dog's death, the vet had been in phone contact with them about what they were doing and such and had broken the news. So I went in with a dog and left empty handed. (FYI-this is not a picture of the actual dog. I'm not that insensitive, but it's what he looked like.)

Seriously, THAT wasn't what I was expected. I thought maybe a prescription and surgery at the worst, but not death! So the owners were worried about how I was feeling and I was worried about how they were feeling. It was a lot of mutual "I'm sorry's" going on in the subsequent phone calls...pretty much every day of their vacation because there was still one more dog at home alive. Trust me. If Emmy (the dog) would have allowed it, I would have wrapped her in bubble wrap and not allowed her to move a muscle. I didn't want two pet deaths on my hands!

Luckily we all made it through the rest of the break alive...even the owners who had a treacherous ice/snow drive back from the Spokane airport, and the mutual commiseration talk cycled through again when they got home.

How do I feel? Honestly, I was feeling sooooooo sorry for the owners because I know how I would feel if that had happened to Sage while I was gone. I would be heartbroken, guilty, and worried about the person watching my dog too. I felt bad, but I also realize death is a natural part of life and this was a completely fluke accident. No one could have planned the timing, especially without knowing the dog's health. I'm just sorry the owners weren't in town and now they'll have guilt. Luckily the dog spent all but the last two hours of his life at home with his other dog, so there's that.

I don't know...I think I'm still a bit in shock and awe, but I'll be fine. We'll see if they ask me to dog sit again in the future. That'll be the real test.

Fireplaces, Blizzard Warnings, and a Good Book

There's something festive about sitting by a fire. The constant exchange of colors -- from yellow, to orange, to red, to blue, to yellow again -- and the warmth that emanates from it. Couple that with the blizzard warning we had last night and the approximately 8-10 inches of snow I woke up to this morning, and it feelsm more like Christmas than Thanksgiving. Memories of spiced apple cider, the smell of mom's cornbread stuffing filling the house, and a puzzle everyone frantically works at trying to complete before gathered family disperse back to their respective homes, capture my imagination and mind.

This Thanksgiving won't be like those of yore (yep, I used that word), but has followed a pattern similar to thsoe of recent years. A week filled with frantically grading or writing papers, probably dinner at my local Denny's or Shari's (I wish this was the first time I ate at one of these places for a holiday, but I'd be lying to you) with a roommate -- we had other plans, but things change -- and a trip to a movie theatre for one of the newest releases.

Perhaps that all sounds a little dismal, but I'm alright with it. Sometimes your desires have to be prioritized and put on hold in order to accomplish those that rank of higher importance. I will finish my masters if it kills me; and some days I think it will. And I will sacrifice a Thanksgiving meal so I can better appreciate the upcoming Christmas holiday stress free and paper free.

In the mean time I will get back to basking in the warmth of the fire as I watch dogs snooze in front of it. Unfortunately, instead of reading from my book pile of "to be reads", I'll be reading a book about rhetoric, or materialism, or technology, or all of them. -sigh-

C'mon Christmas!

Some of my Little Men

I'm happy to report that I managed to make it until Thanksgiving Break. While it's a break for my students, unfortunately it's not a break for me. I had my students turn in their major (8-10 page) papers on Friday and sent them on their merry way. My homework for them...watch a movie over the break, nearly any movie and come to class on the 29th of November with a professional review of the movie from one of five websites I've listed on the assignment sheet (Washington Post, New York Time, Chicago-Sun Times, etc.). Yep, tough homework. I can just imagine them telling their parents, "But mom/dad, I have to go see the newest Harry Potter because it's my homework!" Yeah. Hard life.

Me? I just have to write 2 rough drafts of my own that are 18-25 pages...hopefully by Wednesday, and grade all of their papers. Hmm....I think I got the short end of that stick.

As for the title of this post, I was blessed enough to spend some time with two of the "little men" in my life yesterday. I made the drive up to Spokane to drop a fellow classmate off at the airport and then I went to Sacred Heart Hospital to finally meet my newest nephew, Jacob. He's nearly four weeks old, was born with Down Syndrome, and the poor little guy has spent a majority of time in the hospital due to infections. The one week he was actually home with his family I was sick and didn't want to risk getting him sick, so all I had seen were pictures and let me tell you, he is just as cute in person. I got to hold him (watching to make sure I didn't accidentally pull his I.V. or other wires from his poor little body) for at least and hour and talk with his mom, my older sister Susan, about a bunch of things.

Jacob is just a sweetheart and he was looking really good. Some raspiness to his breathing, but apparently that was aggravated by a breathing tube that they had to insert for one reason or another. Although he had just thrown up what he had eaten before, I was able to feed him another bottle of food and just held and snuggled him while he slept. What an angel!

In an effort to give my sister and brother-in-law some time off from the hospital and get some one-on-one time together, I offered to take their older son, 11 year-old Nathan, to dinner and the movies. 15 year-old Elisha was with friends and 1 1/2 year old Courtney was going to hang out with her Grandma and Aunts that were in town. So it was just me and my other little man, Nathan.

Can I just say that if Jacob is as sweet as Nathan than the world is truly blessed. Nathan is one of the most soft-hearted and whip-smart boys I know. I absolutely love hanging out with him and he's a good sport about everything. The boy makes me smile and laugh all the time. We had pizza for dinner and went to see MegaMind at the theatre. My review -- meh. It was okay, but not laugh-out-loud funny...like Despicable Me. I went and saw that with four of my other nieces and nephews and we couldn't stop laughing. MegaMind has a great cast of voices (Tina Fey, Will Ferrell, Brad Pitt, Jonah Hill), and they made fun of underdog superhero movies of the past, but I'm glad I went to a matinee and would be able to live the rest of my life without seeing it again if necessary. But I was also happy to see they're making another Kung Fu Panda movie. Yes, I like animated films just as much as my younger relatives and, yes, I take them along as excuses to see them. Any questions?

So I consider the day to be one of the best ways to spend a day of my break: not thinking about my students, their papers, or my papers, seeing loved family members and getting introduced to a new one, and spending one-on-one time with two of my favorite little men.

-sigh- Yep. Good day.

'Gimmie a Break!

No, this is not in reference to the old 80s television show with Nell Carter...although, now it is. Rather this was my plea for help last night and all day today.

Thanksgiving break is next week and it couldn't have come any sooner...I wish it had, but it couldn't. They'd already printed all the calendars, so all my wishing was for naught.

Oh. My. Gosh. As this posting so far indicates, I'm a bit loopy right now due to lack of sleep and an overabundance of stress. Last night, for example, I was so tired that at about 7:30PM I literally laid down on the floor of my office to take a nap. I'd been on campus since 7AM that morning and had a meeting at 9PM with one of my classmates to discuss a discussion we were leading in class the next day. I had a headache (which is typically only brought on by lack of sleep) and figured the only way I was going to be productive and coherent by 9PM was to take a nap. So I balled up my jacket to make a pillow, set the alarm on my cell phone, turned off the lights and had about a half-hour to 45 minute nap. Yes, it worked wonders and yes, I was so tired and conked out so hard that I drooled. No shame!

It took all my will to get up this morning and make it to class (new snowfall and all) on time. I'm happy to say I've met (nearly) all my deadlines for this week and now I get to relax.

Ha!

It's a week without classes, but that doesn't mean I don't have anything to do. In addition to house/dog sitting for some people this week I will be grading approximately 500 pages of student work (blech!), and writing two 18-25 page papers (double-blech!). Admittedly, one of the papers should wind up being a chapter of my thesis, but I just wish I could have a break. Maybe after I graduate...no, then I'll have other stresses in my life--like what am I going to do now?

The one "treat" I am giving myself is that I am headed to bed now, not setting my alarm, and am going to sleep until my body decides I've had enough sleep--not an annoying alarm demanding I get up. It's the simple pleasures!

I just want to, while I'm thinking of it, wish all of you a wonderful Thanksgiving. May you be mindful of the blessings you've received and the blessing YOU are to others. Thank you.

And to share some of my morning with you...

This is just an example of me helping a student make a wise decision this morning. The life of an educator never ends:

     Really? You're sick? Hmm...why am I more inclined to believe you failed to do your homework?

     Really, you're only thinking of everyone else and don't want them to catch your sickness? That's nice, but what about the fact that your homework was to edit/give feedback to a classmate's paper and the ONLY thing we're doing in class today is having you discuss the feedback?

     Really? You won't be in class today? Well, I guess you automatically lose 60 peer grading/editing points and can't revise your essay (which is worth nearly half your grade) at a later date.

     Really? You're going to show up to class today? That's nice of you.

I'm Lovin' My Last Semester!

Okay, so maybe I'm not IN my last semester of graduate school yet, but I have my schedule planned! Although I talked about taking a glass blowing class because, well, when am I ever going to get the chance to learn how to blow glass?, I opted not to sign up for it. Honestly, I'm kinda stressed about writing my thesis and next semester I'll be writing two chapters, revising the entire thing, and defending it. That's a lot of work in such a short span of time, so I want to just focus on getting through it. Oh, and I kinda need to do a good job so I can graduate. Yeah. Not too much pressure.

Luckily for me I have my class and teaching schedule pretty much figured out. I'll be taking two grad level classes, thesis credits, and only teaching one class--which is the same class I'm teaching THIS semester, so I basically already have my lessons and assignments created and figured out, I'll just be reorganizing them over the Winter Break. My classes? Well, unfortunately none of them feed into my thesis, but I have to take something! They're both by the same professor, whom I adore!, and are literature based. Luckily for me I'll be reading a lot of new books I haven't read before (but hopefully a few I have).

One class is entirely focused on writings by Toni Morrison. I haven't read any of her books, yes, that means I haven't read Beloved, but my favorite time frame of literature is contemporary American Lit, so this is great! The other class is called "Story Chronicles," which intrigues me as well. Admittedly I always think of the SNL Digital Short: Lazy Sunday when I think of the title of this class. "The Chronic(WHAT)cles of Narnia!" Okay, so the Chronicles of Narnia aren't exactly the ideal example of the story chronicles I'll be reading. Basically the criteria are shorter stories in a book that have a similar theme or purpose, and written by the same author. Examples of these would be 1,001 Arabian Nights, The Sketch Book of Geoffry Crayon, Gent. (containing stories like "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" and "Rip Van Winkle"), and The House on Mango Street. It'll be interesting to see what I wind up reading.

Oh, and the best part of it all? I only have to be on campus on Tuesdays and Thursdays! I take and teach classes on those days. They're long days, but no longer than I spend on campus now. The rest of the days of the week are free and clear with four-day weekends in my future...so here's hoping I spend a lot of time in the library/office doing research and writing!

I should really be grading my student's homework right now, but I've been procrastinating. -sigh- I should be an adult and get to work, so g'night and thank you to everyone for your comments, I love to read them and hear from you!

The Results Are In...

So I got the email from Teach For America today and they politely told me that they were not going to extend me an offer to join their program. So it looks like my calendar just cleared up for the next two years.

Do I feel bad or upset about their decision? Not really. I figure everything happens for a reason and something better will come up. This was just an avenue to explore and it came to a dead end, and I'm fine with that. Now the search continues for what to do after graduation in May and the options are endless.

I'm pretty sure I need to take a break from taking classes though. I'm pretty burned out and think I need to take some time off. I can't imagine my fellow grad students who haven't had a break any more substantial than summer breaks since they started kindergarten. Honestly! Sure, they'll be getting their masters in their early 20's, but that's still a huge chunk of life in academia and many of them have voiced how nervous they are to leave it. This has been their life for nearly 20 years and now their plans are unsubstantial.

So...I guess I'll just try to figure it out and we'll see what happens. If you have any suggestions...I'm all ears!

Sloughing off the Unnecessary

What a terrible sounding word: sloughing. Even spelling it I feel tainted, but it adequately expresses how I'm feeling lately.

I love to streamline and pare down things I own. While I don't enjoy the moving experience overall, I do like deciding what I really need and what I can give away, donate, or throw away. I get a sense of freedom with the less amount of "things" I own. Right now I have a pile of clothes just waiting to be donated to Goodwill and I'm mentally deciding what I can get rid of and what I actually need when I move in May (to wherever that may be). Sloughing unnecessary things from my arsenal of items is exciting to me.

In a likewise manner, asking forgiveness or repenting is a similar action. By apologizing and asking for forgiveness I am able to let go of the weight of guilt, anxiety, and sorrow that I may be carrying with me. As I stated in an earlier post, I rarely apologize unless it's sincere and today I apologized for how my earlier actions made my roommate feel. Apparently she had been holding in a lot of feelings and things, many of which were expressed tonight. My response? Well, at least now it's out in the open and everyone knows about it and we can stop tip-toeing around.

Apparently I had been doing some things that annoyed or bothered her and, that's okay and bound to happen when people live together, but just let me know what annoys you and I'll try to change what I'm doing or saying. Now I know and now I'll be more aware and try to change. I can't change unless you point out my flaws, so now I can add to my list of pending improvements.

On a lighter note, tomorrow I find out about Teach For America! You'll be the second to know...after me...who will be the first. See how I did that? Yea, I know. I'm a nerd, but I'm okay with that!

Sometimes I'm not a very nice person

The title of this blog post is true -- sometimes I'm not. Today is a perfect example:

So I'm upstairs in my bedroom and I begin to smell garlic. Um, not the best smell, but I can live with it, especially since I cook with garlic -- so I live with it and don't think anything of it. Then, the smell gets stronger and stronger. Seriously? How much garlic is my roommate cooking with?

I go downstairs and learn that my roommate has made "garlic soup". What is in this concoction? Garlic, hot sauce, and water. Yep, that's it, and the downstairs smells rancid and I complain. Trust me, this is not my "not very nice person part." My roommate's response? She just laughs about the smell and tells me to get used to it. Seriously? Did she just blow off my seemingly legitimate complaint about the overpowering stench of garlic? Her belief is that since garlic is good for you, that a lot of garlic is even better, regardless of how it affects other people, especially those she lives with.

Okay, maybe I was a little out of bounds with my complaint about the "garlic soup" she created because, well, she's trying to be healthy. However, I take issue with people who latch onto healthy foods, without realizing their diets need to be well-rounded. Not just subsist on garlic and variations thereof.

So after my complaint about the garlic soup what does she dish herself up a bowl of: sauerkraut. Seriously? Is she trying to kill my already injured sense of smell?

Let me give you a little bit of background on this roommate. Lately she seems to be obsessed with her weight and working on losing "ten pounds," but she's not trying to do it the healthy way. Yesterday she had pickles for dinner, and finished off the large jar for breakfast. Today all she had eaten was her garlic soup and sourkraut...oh, and she told me she got lettuce today too...like I should be proud of her. Seriously? She doesn't exercise, she's just looking at a quick fix, and she takes other things to help her lose weight. Honestly, me and my other roommate are worried about her, her eating habits, and her "weight issues". Any advice?

Oh, and to me not being a very nice person? So, I had mixed up some hot cocoa and once the roommate in question whipped out the sauerkraut and laughed about my additional comment about being sensitive to other people in the house and told me to deal with it, what did I do? I went into the downstairs bathroom and grabbed a can of deoderizing spray and sprayed it in the air in the kitchen.

Her response? She complained about the smell, told me I was being inconsiderate, that I didn't need to spray that around her food, thus getting it in her sauerkraut, and she slammed the door to her bedroom when she went inside. Trust me, my mug of cocoa was much closer to the spray than her food, I pointed out that what I did was just as inconsiderate as what she had done, and it's not like the spray would/did change the taste of her food and my drink -- I drank all my cocoa. Alright, like I said, sometimes I'm not a very nice person.

The result? Well, I still haven't apologized. I probably will, but right now I still don't feel sorry for it. I don't want to extend an insincere apology, and that's what it would be if I gave one right now.

Right now I'm just counting down the days until the 21st of November when I am house/dog sitting some people's home for a week and I don't have to deal with this particular roommate. I'm just biding my time until I graduate and live on my own again. I'm tired of dealing with roommates. Everyone, no matter how much you truly love and like them, can get on your nerves after awhile.

Sorry, just had to vent.

Thank-a-Tudes

I've seen a bunch of friends planning on doing daily Facebook posts on what they are thankful for this month...since it is the month of Thanksgiving, but I've decided to let you in on my thank-a-tudes all at once in stead of one-a-day. Please remember, if you're not on this list, it's not because I'm not thankful for you, it's just that my cup runneth over and these are in no particular order:

1. My trials and tribulations. Even though they're painful and difficult, they afford me opportunities to grow.
2. My family -- as wild and crazy and disjointed and crazy and loud and...did I mention crazy...as they are, I love them and know that if I need them, they'll be there for me as best they can.
3. Friends -- past, present, and future. Those people who keep me grounded, are brutally honest, and have an abundance of love and support to give.
4. Books. I. Love. Books. I have since I was a child and that is a love affair I hope continues until the day I die.
5. The opportunity to be nearing the end of a goal, that of getting my Masters. It took awhile to go back to college, but I made it and I'm almost done!
6. My dog. Great listener, excited to see me every time, forgiving, loving, and fabulous bed warmer.
7. Jeep Cherokee. It's the car I've wanted since high school and before I quit working my "adult" job I finally got the car I'd been dreaming about. I love being able to use the hitch, throw my dog in the back, and drive across state lines to see family.
8. Hot Apple Cider. Memories and warmth, all in one!
9. Converse/Chuck Taylor's/greatest brand of timeless shoes ever invented.
10. Donna Karan's Cashmere Mist perfume. My favorite smell!
11. Nieces and nephews. They let me flex my mothering and spoiling muscles whenever I want. Love ya!
12. Jeans. I can't imagine having to wear dresses all the time -- a'la Pioneer days.
13. Jergens Ultra Healing lotion. It's the only lotion I use because it doesn't creep me out with an oily feeling on my hands.
14. Painted toe nails. Even in the dead of Idaho winters, it's still nice to have a glimpse of summer on my feet.
15. Fresh flowers. They just automatically make a room brighter, cleaner, and more cheerful. I don't care what kind, just as long as they're real.
16. Baseball hats. Great for on-the-go, just-woke-up, and haven't brushed my crazy curly hair days.
17. My yellow quilt my mom made for me over 20 years ago for Christmas. I still have it, it hasn't fallen apart yet, and I swear it's the warmest blanket ever...probably because it was made with love.
18. Autumn. See the posting below for further.
19. Rain and thunderstorms. I love the latent power within a thunderstorm, but ultimately it is nourishing to all growing things below.
20. Post-it-Notes. Seriously? How did the world survive without this accidental invention?
21. Chapstick. It's the only stuff I put on my lips. Not a lipstick or lip gloss kinda girl. Just plain old Chapstick.
22. Slippers. Although I tend to be hot all the time, there's nothing like a fluffy pair of slippers to but me in the relaxation mood.
23. The Atonement, that lets me know I can be forgiven of my sins and start each day fresh...if I put in the work.
24. Modern communication technology (like cell phones, computers, Internet, etc.), that allow me to keep in contact with so many people who would have been relegated to my memories if not for technology.
25. Cyrus O'Leary's Turtle Cheescakes. Oh, yum!
26. Indoor plumbing. I've gone without for a week, but would rather have indoor bathrooms than digging holes or packing in and out.
27. Soundmates: things that create white noise so I can sleep at night and not be bothered by loud roommates or stupid people walking down my street.
28. Electric toothbrushes. Anything that can make brushing my teeth seem more fun is something to be thankful for.
29. Duct tape. C'mon, you had to know it was going to show up on a list somewhere. I use it way more than I should, but it has been indispensable more often than not.
30. You...but I bet you're probably already on this list. You have been an influence on my life and I am thankful everyday that I have known you.

Happy Thanksgiving and don't forget to express your gratitude every day. It doesn't cost you a cent to say "Thank You," but it can be priceless to the recipient.