I've been thinking a lot lately about where my life is headed. For the first time in years, I don't have a safety net in my future. What I mean by that is that in ten months I will be done with school and, quite possibly, without a job or a place to call my own. My possibilities are endless and it scares me. I will be able to check "get an education" off my list of things to do, but the list of other things to do and experience still remains longer than my arm.
As I've been considering what I really want out of life and in my life, I've thought about prayer and my expectation regarding answers to prayer. If I have a Father in Heaven who loves me, and wants the best for me, why do I question His ability to give me everything I need to be happy? Since childhood I have been taught to pray for what I want, need, and/or desire, and an answer will always come. It may take longer than I'd like and be an answer different than one I hoped for, but God doesn't leave any prayers unanswered. Do I believe this? Yes, without a doubt. I suppose my spiritual hang-up comes in the understanding that my Father in Heaven knows my every thought and desire, so I've rationalized that, because he's omnipotent I don't need to voice my innermost wants, plans, and needs. He'll just give them to me if it's time. But I don't think that's really how it all works.
Yes, my Father in Heaven wants my happiness and all that's best for me, but he also won't impede my agency to choose and decide my life. Does that make any sense? Because he ultimately knows what's best for us, but also comprehends we need to make mistakes and suffer positive and negative consequences based on our desires and needs, even if it's a good desire, he won't give it to us unless we ask for it. And that's where I fumble. I fall back on the "He knows all, so he'll give me what I want and need," but He won't. He won't force his will on us. I need to show faith and trust in Him and his power by asking for his help, guidance, and counsel.
I freely admit I have problems asking for help. My parents worked hard at raising independent children, especially their daughters, and this is where my upbringing backfires on me. I need to learn to trust in the Lord in all things, not just the seemingly easy things I think he can help with, but everything. My private thoughts, deepest desires, greatest fears and hopes -- all of me. This is my struggle. I either have to believe him or I don't. There really are no two ways about it. Either he can do what he says he can, or he can't.